Ezra's Geography Lesson
by Nebulous Bacon
Summary: <html><head></head>Ezra gets an unexpected lesson in geography and has a wee crisis.</html>
1. Chapter 1

_Where did you get back from?_

_Iceland._

_Oh. I spent once some time in Amsterdam._

Ezra was having a rough week. First he had learned that his too-young-for-him (but still totally smoking) girlfriend was placed in the class he was teaching. Then she informed him that the school had rejected her transfer form. Worst of all, just three minutes ago he had stepped on a LEGO brick that he was certain wasn't there a minute ago. (In fact, come to think of it, he didn't even own any LEGO.)

Murmuring angrily to himself, he limped over to his computer and opened up a Word document, before closing it and opening a new browser window. No use working on his book if his anger and misery was going to cloud his writing. He needed something light to take his mind off of the hellhole his life had become. " ," he typed, almost impulsively, into the Chrome address bar and smiled. Recently, when he needed to calm himself down, he had taken a liking to going to a random page on the online encyclopedia and seeing where it took him. This time the first page was Amsterdam.

He chuckled a bit to himself and shook his had slowly. He remembered how drunk he had gotten with his friends on that trip. Those were the days. Iceland really was a great country. He started reminiscing for a while, before the pain in his foot shot up again and he was snapped back to Earth. He turned to the computer screen, grimacing.

"Amsterdam," the article read, "is the capital city [Ooh, that was a link. Wikipedia has an article on capital cities? I'll look at that later] of and most populous within the Kingdom of the Netherlands. Its status as the Dutch capital is mandated by the Constitution of…"

Wait a minute. The NETHERLANDS?

**A/N: This is my first non-oneshot fanfiction, my second on this site, my third overall, and the only one that doesn't involve shipping. I'm curious to see where this will take me (although I already have the general idea of the story mapped out).**


	2. Chapter 2

That couldn't be right! Everybody with half a brain knew that Amsterdam was in Iceland. He was drunk for most of that trip, sure, but not THAT drunk. Angrily and confused, Ezra moved his mouse over to the "Talk" button and clicked firmly. (Few people understand the power of a firm and angry click. Ezra was not one of those people.) Strangely, nobody seemed to have caught the obvious mistake. He would have to take matters into his own hands.

Within one minute of posting the mistake, an interesting fellow with a screen name just one letter long made a reply. _How interesting_, Ezra thought. _It's as if this strange man was expecting something. He had a fully formulated reply and everything._ And indeed he did. The reply had multiple paragraphs, cited over fifteen different sources and was overall very well thought out, with no spelling or grammatical errors whatsoever. Very curious.

Reading the response just made Ezra more confused. Here again was another person claiming that not only was Amsterdam in the Netherlands, but it was actually its capital. Ezra was starting to get furious. "Alright, I'll do the research myself!" he said to nobody in particular as he thumped his clenched fist against the desk, shaking the nearby papers. He would get to the bottom of this and prove what he knew to be true. Nothing could stop him.

**A/N: Okay, YaleAceBella, you got your wish. Of course, I had always planned on writing more, but it was your review that really motivated me, so good job. Anyway, I want to make it clear that I am going to make no effort to fit this in with the canon show, much less the series of novels. If you want to get scientific and technical, you might say that this is an alternate timeline that diverged from the original sometime during the first season.**


	3. Chapter 3

Ezra was motionless, frozen in some bizarre mixture of confusion, fury, and terror. He went to every website cited by the strange Mr. Monogram. Every single article said that Amsterdam was in either the Netherlands or some strange land known as Holland. (He decided that he'd solve that mystery later.) Worse than that, not a single article even addressed anything about Iceland. Worst of all, when he went to stomp his foot in frustration, another LEGO brick magically appeared underneath it. He decided to do more research himself. He knew his European geography, dammit!

He went over to his favorite search engine (Google, what else?) and typed in "Amsterdam, Iceland." The results soothed him. Of course. He was right all along. 23.3 million hits! There's no way any incorrect information could have that many results. Relief flooded over him and he felt his blood flow pick up again. Take that, Sir Singular Letter! He was completely correct in every sense, and the mysterious Wikipedia editor was incorrect in every sense.

He was so relieved, in fact, that he didn't realize that he should have encased it in quotation marks for a more accurate result. When he finally had this realization, he was too cocky to doubt that it would still have just as many results, so when he tried it and found that there were only 10,900 results, a chill ran up his spine and his heart started to beat like a hummingbird. Desperately clinging on to a shred of hope, he decided to search "'Amsterdam, the Netherlands'" and compare results. He fell off of his chair (and onto another LEGO brick. Where were they all coming from?) when he saw the results. 8.27 million.

"So what!" he said to himself. "I don't care! I don't care what the internet thinks! I'll… I'll… I'll find out myself! Yes! That's what I'll do!" His voice rose to a shout. "I'll find out myself and show Oliver Only-one-letter who's right and who's wrong! I vow it!"

Ezra was foaming at the mouth and breathing heavier than any human should naturally be able to breathe. His fingers typed like lightning the words he wanted into the empty Google box: "Flight tickets to Amsterdam." If he couldn't win by doing research, he was going to have to win the old fashioned way: Finding out for himself. He was far too determined to pull out now, or ever. He didn't care what he had to sacrifice. He was going to go to the ends of the world to find and prove what he wanted, no matter what the repercussions.


	4. Chapter 4

It was raining in Iceland. As Ezra stood outside the hotel he was started to wish that he had packed a jacket. Or packed anything really. His haste in proving his point left him with nothing but a ticket. Ezra shook his head. His jacket and possible pneumonia were unimportant. He was on a mission. He braved the cold and rain, walked away from the airport, and on to the sidewalk, wandering around until he found another person.

She was tall and skinny, with short blonde hair, jeans, and a purple umbrella. She walked briskly, as if late for a meeting. He decided to start with her. No matter what the Internet said, if he could get confirmation from an native, then he was sure to be correct.

Feeling confident, he uttered "Excuse me Ma'am, but do you happen to know where I am?"

"You are currently," she replied quietly, "In Haarlemmermeer, which is southwest of Amsterdam and—"

"Yes," Ezra said, "But in which country?"

"You… you do not know already?" said the blonde questioningly.

Ezra paused, "I do know. But for reasons too complicated to explain, I need your confirmation," he finally enunciated cordially.

"Well then," said the stranger with a smirk and a twist of her umbrella, "I can safely tell you that you are in the Netherlands."

Ezra frowned. "I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you right. Iceland, right?"

"No, the Netherlands," laughed the blonde.

Ezra was starting to get angry. "The… the Netherlands?"

The blonde was starting to get worried. "Yes. The Netherlands. That is where we currently are. The Netherlands."

"Oh. I see," said Ezra quietly as he reached into his pocket.

From personal experience with LEGO, Ezra was able to determine two things. One, that they have a tendency to appear everywhere. From this Ezra deduced that one would be in his pocket. Two, that they hurt you when you apply force against them. And when one comes down along with the full swing of a schoolteacher's arm on the head of an unsuspecting Dutch, it can cause massive damage.

**I have returned from a month-long, unannounced, and unplanned hiatus to bring more chapters of Ezra's learning of the fine science of geography. I'm sure that in the brief time that I was gone, every single one of this story's three followers were losing sleep at night. "When is he going to post another chapter?" they were asking. Well here it is.**

**On an unrelated note, I'm probably going to have to change the rating to T.**


	5. Chapter 5

Ezra wasn't quite sure what to make of it. So he'd knocked somebody out. Big deal. He could probably drag her to some alleyway and run. She had to wake up eventually. Yeah, that's what he'd do. Oh, and he'd have to wipe the blood off of his hands. The—the rain. The rain should take care of that.

Ezra leaned down to examine the damage, and noticed something strange. The blonde didn't appear to be breathing. He put a hand in front of her face. Nope, nothing. He felt her pulse. Wasn't there.

Okay, so she was dead. That wasn't too bad. Same plan as before, right? Just drag her to an alleyway and run. Only this time he'd have to let the rats eat her. They had rats in Amsterdam, right? Amsterdam, which, which is in Iceland, right? There are Icelandic rats. Or are they Dutch? For the first time in a while, Ezra wasn't sure. He decided he would take it up with somebody else later.

Currently, however, he had to focus on dragging his victim's corpse somewhere it would never be found. If only he knew where that was. After a few hours of blindly dragging her body around like an idiot, he was found by some policemen.

"Excuse me, sir," the policemen said, oddly polite considering the circumstances. "What exactly are you doing with that lady there?"

"Oh, great!" Ezra said excitedly. "I'm glad I could find somebody else from around here. Now, tell me. Are we currently in the Netherlands or Iceland?"

"The Netherlands," the policeman enunciated cheerily, "But that's besides the point. Why are you carrying the body of an unconscious person?"

"Wait…" Ezra said disappointedly. "The Netherlands?"

"You're dodging the question!"

"I—I'm in the Netherlands? Amsterdam is in the Netherlands?"

"Yes. It is. But why are you dragging a body?

"I… I was wrong?"

"Will you please," the policeman said, starting to lose his happy demeanor, "Tell me why you have some woman by the ankles, dragging her along behind you?"

"I…" Ezra stammered. "I can't believe I was wrong! I'm never wrong, especially not about geography."

"Okay," said the policeman, "That's it. I'm taking you in. Come along."

Ezra had never been so surprised, humiliated, and depressed in his life.

**Okay, this is the second-to last chapter. The ultimate chapter will be uploaded exactly whenever I have it done. I'll try to get it done by Christmas, though. You can always count on me to never be late with another episode by too long.**


	6. Finale

Ezra sat in his jail cell, curled up into a ball, rocking back and forth. To an outside observer, it might appear that he was mouthing something quietly to himself as he did so. In fact, he was actually whispering the same three words over and over again. He was currently on his four thousandth repetition.

"It's in Holland, it's in Holland, it's in Holland, it's in Holland…" is what he was saying, the last hushes of a man who had lost his sanity hours ago.

Ezra was to be tried later that week. But they never got the chance to.

He killed himself before then.


End file.
